Little did he know. . .

I think Sarah Burke's blog about free will was thoughtful and very relevant to everything. I'm taking a class right now, where we often discuss who has the control, individual humans or a supreme being/force, like God or the laws of physics. Puppets and puppet master. . .I think therefore I am and all that jazz. . .it's nice to talk about things like this with others, but personally, I prefer to just think about it. I remember a few times in high school when some friends and I would lie back on the hood of cars or on someone's roof and just think. We wouldn't really talk, just think. It's too cold here to do that all too often. But sometimes I contemplate such thoughts when I'm someplace totally private and secluded- a bathroom stall. The best thing about bathroom stalls is that nobody can really see you and you can't really see anybody else. I thought it was funny that Sarah mentioned the Truman show, because that movie and all the cameras in the bathrooms scared me so much, I didn't ever want to go the bathroom in my house. We have a huge mirror in there. . .I thought someone could be watching. In fact, I had a terrible fear of mirrors for a few months before it petered out into a slight worry. I still think about it. Anyway, a stall is just a quiet place to contemplate one's own existence. No one is loud if they can help it in a public bathroom. And generally, no one will disturb you there. Even if you think so hard, the words accidently come out of your face, people still won't know it was you. It's a safe place for a confusing topic.
Are we the writers of our own destiny? Did someone lay out the framework, and we're filling in the blanks, like mad libs? Did God create us or did we create God? I really like that Stranger Than Fiction movie, because it makes you wonder if it's just a chain. In my head, I created someone, but that person's real, and I feel like I have responsibility or power, but really, someone else just created me to create someone else so when that person wants the person I created to die, he will use me, the creation to kill the creation's creation. I can understand Beckett's confusion and anxiety. His "I think this, but then again, maybe not" mentality. It makes my head hurt. It's so trippy to think that everything I touch isn't real. Or that I'm not real, but I think I must be real in some sense. I mean, if I'm not, I guess I don't have anything to lose. I could go eat pancakes, if I wanted. Course I would get sick, because of my stupid food allergies, but then I would wind up back in the bathroom and I would be thinking again. Not that I never stop thinking. Though now that I think about it, I probably do stop every now and then.
I think I'll stop now.